I have these sorts of days when I don’t want to do even the things I ought, the ones that have become disciplines, or rituals.

Like today, I am really in a ‘I don’t give a shit’ mode. I can’t even be bothered to comb my hair. Getting coffee was an ordeal because I had to wait 2 minutes for the water to heat.

But now I will soon have to do my self imposed guitar practice. And that is the thing I want least of all. I’d rather sit here and type and impress nobody. When I practice, I often daydream of impressing a small room audience. But they can go to hell today.

The problem is, if I backslide intentionally today, will I feed on that, tomorrow? And will the inner slob take over more and more? That’s what I wonder. Can a person be let off the hook for skipping a day, if that skipping is intentional?

When I’ve been sick or very very tired, I’ve skipped my chores, and the world for a day or two. And that was ok, because it couldn’t be helped. But this time, the inner slob wants free reign, not just for a day either.

You had this, folks? Surely you have. My worry is that if I turn slacker, even for 24 hours, the whole thing will come down. The dishes won’t get washed, and worse. : ) I will let my little country go to the dogs, and the inner slob will be driving.

However, the following has *also* happened. As soon as I get down to business, run a bath, play the first tune or two on my list of things to practice, then things become alright and manageable. Yes, I’ll do this.

But it gets harder by the year or the month. There are many days when I don’t care about music. I don’t want anything to do with it. It’s just another noise. And I don’t believe like I used to. I have dumped lots of tunes from my repertoire because they no longer apply to me. That is, the notes don’t fit. And that makes me a loathsome liar if I do anything other than what I believe.

You can relate I’ll bet. Last year’s jacket still fits, is still washable, but it feels wrong, it looks wrong, you feel like a fake for wearing it.

Or, you behaved in a way that pleased people at a gathering. But later, you felt stupid and ashamed because you think you misrepresented yourself and they’ll be mislead into thinking you’re something you’re not. This is to say, that nothing fits, nothing fits for long, in a world like this. “This is not who I am. This is not how I am”. <— that is how you feel.

I have been told that I am “sweet”. And that has caused me to CRINGE inside, and turn just the opposite, in order to correct their error. But then I hear or read that someone thinks I’m “nasty” or “a troll”, and I think, that’s not who I am either. I don’t do villains. But I HATE HEROES, too.

—eclipsed