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How to Pursue Him Without Chasing

We all know that feeling of desire – it can be both a thrill and a curse. With its power to make you feel high as a cloud, but also completely mad with passion, it’s easy to slip into a love-sick frenzy and become overly eager for a man. Truly there’s no double edge sword as dramatic and intense as the dating Tug-of-War.

So, when it comes to getting what you want, how aggressive are you? Do you sit back and hope he magically falls for you or do you actively fight for his affections? Many women have trouble finding a balance between these two roles: the chased and the chaser. The trick is finding a perfect middle, where you can confidently show him you’re interested, while also protecting your pride as a self-respecting lady.

It’s Okay to Make the First Move


Some women fear rejection, while others are less sensitive to its backlash. When you can abandon fear and self doubt, you’re empowered to make the first move without feeling weak or desperate.

Society teaches us that men should be the initiators, while women should be the ones desired. This idea just takes away women’s agency over their own dating choices and makes them silent objects to be chased. And where do you stand? Are you really just a passive bystander, waiting to be swept up by Prince Charming?

If you come across someone that interests you, show him he’s on your radar. Men are not mind readers and will not automatically assume you want to date him just because you smiled at him or liked one of his Facebook photos. Men are not all as intuitive as we tend to be about romance. For this reason, you’ll have to be a tad more open about where you stand.

Send the Right Message


You can be as direct as you like, but however you deliver your message, there shouldn’t be room for misinterpretation. If you’re more of a face-to-face type of gal, you can tell him you’d be open to catching a movie or getting some drinks sometime.

Contacting him by phone or social media is also fine, but of course, it’s less personal, there’s less opportunity to show off your personality.


The point where your efforts become an issue of chasing him is when you need to quit. For some women, knowing when to cut their losses can be a complicated struggle, involving the hope that he’s just too shy or busy, combined with endless texts to friends for support. Sometimes, it’s hard to know when it’s game over.

Know When to Walk Away


Rejection can be a huge slap to the ego and your feelings of safety toward dating in general. Of course, no man is going to openly say “no” because they’re usually hopeless cowards. This means it’s up to you to take a hint. If it’s been two weeks and he’s still barely responsive or “busy”, it’s time to pack up your feelings and leave the scene.

In this situation, cutting contact and doing it graciously is key. Timing is also a factor—you need to know when to walk away with your head held high. Once you have confidently established this routine, you’ll stop feeling like a pathetic chaser because you didn’t sacrifice too many of your feelings, hopes and desires.


Finally, always remember to manage your expectations and never personalize rejection—you don’t lose value just because he doesn’t see it.

How to Play Hard to get


Playing hard is often misunderstood. Some people think it means acting aloof and indifferent, making you seem more desirable; and perhaps to men with serious self esteem issues, this may work. However, usually this isn’t the case

The idea is to make yourself reasonably attainable, while also establishing some boundaries to value yourself as a woman of worth. You can demonstrate your boundaries by having rules such as never cancelling your plans for him or choosing not to respond to late night texts—basically anything you can do to show him your affections must be earned.


Same idea goes for online dating. You’ve probably heard all those crazy stories of girls on Tinder who pour around their goods and passions like free water. These girls, not women, don’t need to play hard to get because it’s not in the Tinder guidebook. Yet, if you venture off to friendlier apps like BagelMeet or WhoWinkedMe, you’ll find men who genuinely appreciate the pursuit of a woman. Your efforts will be put to better use since you’re not expending all your energy trying to attract men who don’t value the chase.

Once you learn how to walk the tightrope between chasing and pursuing, you can feel more confident about how you approach men. Never apologize for being the first to call, but also make sure he’s grateful you did.

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